I was newly divorced and super lonely. I suddenly found myself with half of my friend group — and most of them were married and had young children. Even though we were in our late twenties/early thirties at the time, our lifestyles were very different.
It also turns out that when you get divorced, you go from a double income family to a single income real quick. At that time, I was searching for my next publishing deal and working a “civilian job,” as I like to call it, so chasing my dreams became even more dire. Life literally forced me to make one of two choices: curl up in a ball and shrivel into darkness (okay, that sounds dramatic, but it felt pretty dramatic at the time) OR put one foot in front of the other and try some new things. For some reason (the likely reason being therapy), I chose the latter.
Networking and meeting new people is the name of the game in the Music Business, so I had some familiarity with the process. Still, it’s hard making new friends and finding community as an adult.
A few weeks ago, I received DM’s on Instagram during my Living with Landyn takeover about some things I mentioned on stories. During a portion of the takeover, I shared about hobbies, books and counseling/coaching that has been truly transformative for me. I mentioned that I joined the Nashville Rowing Club for a short a while. I talked about discovering The Estuary, a spiritual healing center where I continue to take classes that have helped me grow and transform in ways I never thought possible. Some folks wanted to know how I got so involved in my community; how do I find people and organizations that really light me up? Some people said they had recently moved to a new town and were having trouble plugging in and finding good resources.
Whew. I’ve been in your shoes. But I wasn’t exactly sure how to answer these questions at first. “Just get out there and go for it,” seems like an annoying thing to say. If you’re having trouble plugging in, it’s probably because you already are “getting out there” and aren’t finding what you want. As a toddler mom, I’m reminded that we used to make friends by literally walking up to each other and asking, “Will you be my friend?” It just doesn’t feel that simple now that we’re adults.
Giving advice can be tricky business. I can, however, share my experience and maybe something will resonate. So, I thought about what was it that was so impactful to me about how I built community around myself that has been so life-changing. A few things dawned on me and I will share them with you.
Here are 4 ways to make friends as an adult:
Get curious. When I found myself in a huge life transition, I chose to get curious. There was nothing and no one holding me back. I got to make all the rules in my life with complete autonomy. So, I got curious about how I could shake up my old routines, what inspires me and what I’d always wanted to try but never felt like I had the time or gave myself the chance. If you’re in a new town or going through a major transition like I was, now is the time! Your life just blew up and a new thing is happening! Aren’t you curious to see what it could be?
Keep an open mind. Here’s what I mean: if I try something (e.g. a class, a meet up group, a new sport) and it turns out not to be a good fit, I don’t see the experience as a waste of time. Instead, I feel grateful that I checked it off my list and can move on from it quickly to the next thing. Knowing what I don’t like is just as important as knowing what I do. It’s like when we were kids and our parents forced us to take “at least one bite” of a new food. How do you know if you like it or not until you try it? As long as an idea matches up with my values, I’m here for it. At least once. Where do I sign up?
Find the exit. This is the most important thing of all: I have learned to feel in my body when something is not meant for me. I get it wrong sometimes, but I’m a lot better at it than I used to be. If I feel dread about going somewhere or doing something, I know that I shouldn’t have committed to it or enrolled in the opportunity. The next time I get an idea or an invitation and it makes me feel that way, I will politely decline. That invitation was apparently not meant for me because it didn’t bring me joy.
On the other hand, if I feel a super high vibration of frantic energy or urgency when I see an opportunity to connect, I also know that’s not meant for me. I am likely wanting to impress someone, people-please or get into perfectionist mode when I feel that way. A who’s who event is likely not for me. I know myself. I will be too temped to hustle. I’ll be concerned about people-pleasing, fitting in and attempting to be “perfect” in that environment and it will wear me out. I stick to things that feel truly aligned for me. I have learned how to tune into my body for that because my mind will deceive me real quick.
Again, I get it wrong sometimes, but tuning into my body has been one of my best guides in life. I only wish I knew how to trust it sooner. I usually feel things in my gut, but some people feel a tightening in their throats or the hairs stand up on their arms. Pay attention. Where do you feel your body guiding you?
Make yourself useful. Sometimes, instead of asking “Where do I belong?” I asked, “How can I help?” Being of service to others is one of the best ways I know of to find connection and change a life — quite possibly your own. Around the same time I was going through that big life transition, I participated in my very first Habitat for Humanity build. I ended up meeting so many wonderful people across several generations and nationalities. I’ve gone back to build annually for nearly ten years. I make true connections and I learn a few new skills (no previous experience required). If you need someone to hang insulation, calk or install windows in your home, I’m your girl. 😉
“Being of service to others is one of the best ways I know of to find connection and change a life — quite possibly your own.”
Welp, that’s about all I know. This journey of building community is trial and error. There are no quick fixes in that list; rather, a few ideas that will maybe resonate with you about how to feel your way through a new stage in your life.
I’ll list the groups I mentioned in my Living with Landyn Instagram takeover below. Some of the things I’m involved in offer virtual events and classes, so even if you’re not in Nashville, you can participate. Obviously, don’t feel any pressure to do the things I love. These are some of the things that light me up. You will find what lights you up. When you do, will you please let me know in comments? I would LOVE to know how you’re connecting in your communities!
A few of my favorite things…
The Estuary — A non-profit spiritual healing center located in Nashville. They have an office in Nashville for local in-person offerings. They also offer virtual classes, workshops and counseling for integrative therapy.
The Liberated Eater — An online wellness community to help you trust your body, led by intuitive eating coach, Cindy Landham. Cindy is absolutely fabulous at what she does. Her business is head quartered in Murfreesboro, TN, but she reaches people worldwide through her online workshop and virtual coaching.
The Nashville Rowing Club — Beginner lessons and Master Rowing Club. Hey, if you’re in Nashville or ever find yourself visiting, check ‘em out!
Jazzercise — Not your grandma’s workout! For real. Mary Helen is the JAM here in Nashville. Her classes are mostly women of all ages, but several husbands come on the reg. There are franchises worldwide and probably in your area. If you want to experience the magic of Mary Helen, but you’re not local to Nashville or don’t want to come in-person, maybe Mary Helen will let you take the virtual option through her franchise? It’s worth checking out.
Habitat for Humanity — A nonprofit organization that helps people in your community and around the world build or improve a place they can call home.
NSAI (Nashville Songwriters Association International) — NSAI is the first stop for aspiring and professional songwriters. I served two terms on the board of directors for this organization. (Oh! That reminds me: Board service. That’s another great way to connect in your community!) NSAI is a fantastic way to get connected for songwriters of all levels and, really, for anyone new to town wanting to get into the music business. The organization offers a variety of tools, coaching, and networking, plus a strong presence on The Hill fighting for creator’s intellectual property rights.